How heartless can someone be...I mean, i'm not a bad person, and I never did anything wrong in my past relationship, so why did the break up happen? I was wondering this constantly the past few days, the annoyance of it building up by the minute. I asked lots of people who knew him and knew me, and they were all stumped by this strange happenstance, just as I am. So i finally got up the guts to write him a message, which I emailed to him. It asked simply why, and so on but in a lengthier way. I expected nothing good out of this, but for some reason i enjoy causing myself agony and continue to poke at things like that which will never make me happy by doing so. He said simply that he had never been a fan of serious relationships and that it wasn't me and he just 'wasn't feeling it' anymore. Pretty much saying he got bored, which is kinda sucky. I thought that he was going to be dating this other girl that he had most certainly liked while we were dating. He's not.

So i'm wondering...how can someone just...suddenly not love you anymore? How does that happen. I sure know that it doesn't work that way with me. I either love you or I don't, and it usually doesn't change unless you do something really really screwed up, and even then i probably will still love you. I have an ex girlfrend of a sort that I still love even though she screamed at me, used me, and then tried to turn all my friends against me. The whole time I took it, because I loved her. She eventually calmed down and we're friends again, i'm still in love with her, sure, even though we're not together. Its just the way things work, you can't go back on a feeling like that for no reason. Or can you? I'm not a very forgiving person and I know that, but I still love those who screw me over.

And i've obviously been lying about being all ok and fine and 'i don't really care' about being broken up with, but really i'm so confused that I don't have room to be sad. Especially since he used to 'love me back' and he said that so much pulling and sometimes you can be pushed way, but I never was a needy girlfriend. I never asked much, we never fought, I never complained about him hanging out with his friends more than me, or the fact that we didn't get much alone time because he usually just dragged me along with his friends as a trophy girlfriend 'oooh look my girlfriend will now beat you at video games, isn't that cool? So i decided to bring her along to the LAN and to this party and that party instead of just hanging out with her by myself' I sometimes wonder if the only reason he liked me was because I played video games, and not for my actually personality.

So me playing video games getting in the way of having a decent relationship? Possibly, because guys only see a girl gamer and think thats the coolest thing ever and don't ever think 'wow this girl probably has a personality and a heart i could crush in my hands, and i should be careful about that' I still love my video games, theres nothing that would ever make me change, but I wonder if there will ever be anyone out there that will see through my hobby and sees me for who I really am. Until that day comes I guess i'll just continue to be cynical of everyone who is attracted to me. In general right now equals lame...and I think i'm done for now with this subject